Why Are You Working on MY Family?

Question

So I just have to share this, as I would hope that others might also receive a similar email. I will make it a bit generic, so that no one is called out.

I got an email the other day. The sender was not logged into WikiTree at the time, but she did identify herself and the gist of the email was that I had created a profile of a member of her family, and she wanted to know why I did that, and was clear that she was aware that I was DEFINITELY not a member of HER family.

Now frankly, I could have paid more attention to her tone, been offended, and responded back in a rude manner. I suppose some would agree that it would have been somewhat justified, as she took a bit of an accusatory tone to start with, so responding in kind would have been appropriate. However, I decided to approach this in a completely different manner. I saw this as a potential opportunity to open up a door that might perhaps build a bridge instead of set things on fire.

So I responded back that this was actually a profile of a cousin of mine, and while we were not super-closely related, we were 5th cousins, which was not all that far off, and I helped identify our common ancestor. I then invited her to join WikiTree, and I'd be more than happy to discuss having her manage any direct members of her family that I might currently be managing, and then I winged the email off in hopes of a reply.

Well - I'd like to say that I heard back, she joined WikiTree, and we're best of friends now. But reality is, I haven't heard a word back. Zip. Nada. But that's OK - hopefully I've built a bridge there that one day she might cross, and perhaps then I'll see her here on WikiTree and welcome her with open arms. In the meantime, I'll keep flinging welcome letters out to anyone who asks questions, and whether they join or not, at least it's an open invitation and all I can do is give them that opportunity - I certainly can't make them come.

So anyway, hopefully others have had similar opportunities and taken then, and if not, well - there's always a next time.

Answer 1

Way to go Scott!

Answer 2

Hi Scott,

Thank you for sharing this experience and for the positive manner in which you responded and handled the situation. Interestingly, I just had a similar situation while working on my daughter's profile on another site. I heard from someone on her paternal line and it was downright nasty and confrontational. Essentially, the person stated, 'how dare I work on HER ancestry when I am not at all related, and I had no right, etc. and that if we were related where was my DNA connection, blah, blah, blah.' I responded as kindly as I could explaining to her that I was working on my daughter's paternal tree and that is where the connection lies; however, I also did say to her that these various genealogy programs are collaborative and work on connectedness. I hope the person doesn't discover Wikitree. Sorry this happened to you, Scott, you are a Wonderful Wikitreer!

Comments

I was concerned that there was a possibility that any interaction that started off on the wrong foot could continue down that path. Plus emails are so difficult to feel like you get the "tone" of the message clearly. So I tried my best to put it in the best light possible and presume my initial "offended" interpretation was wrong, and they were simply asking a valid question.

I'm definitely sorry that happened to you, Carol. Family can be challenging at times as they feel that they have something to protect. It sounds like you did a stellar job in trying to handle it diplomatically and didn't do anything to escalate the situation, which I'd agree with 100%. I'd only hope that if they do find WikiTree, that maybe they'll see that there's value in what we do and that one day, your daughter, a cousin, or a long-lost relative will say "thank you" for the hard work that's been put into researching the family.

Answer 3

Great response to her Scott!

Answer 4

Thanks for sharing your experience Scott, and showing how one might defuse the situation.

I don't think you should feel bad that you heard nothing more. On the contrary, you could take it as a sign that you addressed their concerns and they no longer felt angry/anxious.

Fortunately I haven't had such a confrontational email from family members of profiles I have worked on, but I must say they are usually pretty suspicious of me, and very guarded, telling me very little.

However, once I explain my connection (however distant) or specific interest (where I am not related) and ask whether they would like me to add to and/or correct any details, I usually find their response becomes very friendly and they are keen to share whatever they know - even if they don't take up my suggestion that they might like to join WikiTree and manage the profile themselves.

Answer 5

Scott,

Your experience is a lot better than mine. Good work. I've had a similar experience with some people on my father's side. Some were cool. Some not so much. They ended up burning the bridge to the ground. Some people gotta be jerks, I guess.

And these were relations that were way closer than 5th cousins.

Some people need to understand that the further back in time you go, the more people are going to descend from "your ancestors".

Answer 6

Excellent post Scott. I had this happen once or twice on Family Search and I WAS related but it still got 'not nice' from the other end so I ignore it. I'm going to save this in my favorites for future reference. Thanks.

Answer 7

I like your response! I think its always important to remember we are all "related" in a way. The only thing that does bug me is when somebody starts editing my more recent ancestors birthdates/deathdates etc when I have 100% confidence on my dates. Or when they complain "you do not have a specific birth location" or something like that for a further back ancestor. Trust me if i did, id add it.   Other than that its all good here :)

Answer 8

This is precisely the reason that I don't ask people to join Wikitree until they know what to expect.  From the documentation on classes of membership, it is still possible to have "private trees," although the very concept seems to conflict with the idea of "one tree we all share."  But so many newbies think that their own tree is not capable of being altered by somebody else.  When it happens, they wonder how or why.  My wife's cousin, [Bernie-17] is the most recent case that I am aware of. It is for this reason that I keep conventional trees elsewhere.

Answer 9

Thank you, Scott, for emphasizing the message that we are all cousins, although some so distant we have not yet documented that relationship (or can't count that high.)  I feel fortunate that a majority of the people contacting me have expressed thanks rather than indignation.  I hope we can continue the perception of "us" rather than "them."