This really hits home for me and the timing of this question is especially hard. Starting Jan 2018, for three and a half years, my entire life consisted of juggling two tasks
- managing my husband's care to ensure that the professional services provided the support he needed to recover from a cardiac arrest. This included futile efforts to prevent 4 separate instances of medical malpractice that he suffered (the first caused the cardiac arrest to begin with), fighting medicare and the VA on 9 occasions to get services he was entitled to and needed, and arranging long distance medical transport (2 800 mile flights and 1 350 mile ambulance ride)
- doing his physical therapy between therapist visits for 2 years, then physically caring for him for one year, and finally visiting him daily in a nursing home for the last six months when covid restrictions permitted.
In my so-called "spare time", I cooked, cleaned, did yard work on 6 1/2 acres, paid the bills, and took care of 2 huge dogs and 1 cat. I once calculated the total time of my daily chores and it added up to 19 hours.
He was under hospice care in the nursing home when I got the news of his death by phone at 7:00 AM on a Sunday in Jun 2021. I asked if any of his organs were in good enough condition to be donated, which was something very important to him. That's when they told me that he died during the night and organs need to be harvested immediately ... so that meant that he was completely alone when he died.
Since then, the impediments to handling everything has continued. When I told USAA and asked them to change our joint account (with credit card, home, and car insurance) to my name, they immediately closed it, cancelling all the insurance plus my credit card at a time when I had no idea what kinds of bills I would immediately be facing. They insisted on opening a new account for me and set up new insurance there, plus applied for a new credit card, but that took 3 weeks to arrive. I had similar problems with banks and lawyers, having to cope with issues in 4 states.
By far the most difficult was arranging his funeral service, which is finally about to happen at Arlington National Cemetery Mar 23 (2023!) at 11 AM (in case anyone in that area would like to attend). The military, after having me wait a year before they were ready to schedule it, told me that if the family wants to forego the honors to which he is entitled they could "expedite" the date. I was furious at that insult and wrote to my senators and congressman, but none ever responded, although one added me to their mailing list sending weekly messages about what they're doing for me, their constituent, and by the way would I like to donate to their campaign. When Arlington finally scheduled it, they said I have to bring "the ceremonial flag" when I come. I said I don't have one, they said the funeral home that initiated the arrangements should have provided it, so that started another battle from 2200 miles away (I moved from AL to CA in the meantime). After 3 phone calls, when they said they would send it, I finally threatened to find out who regulates them and report them - 4 days later I received it.
I'm now very busy planning travel and lodging for myself, children, and grandchildren in CA, CO, NM, AZ, TX, and Japan (one grandson is there in the Air Force) to go to Arlington in a few weeks. The realization is starting to hit me that I have been in the shock period between death and burial service, at which point I will be able to begin to grieve his loss.