I need a place to share and get my closure from an adoption angel success that I just completed. What I learned along the way of both genealogy and human nature. In the event this story involved 4 non paternity events to sort out which made it even more complicated. These involved one adoption, 2 affairs and lastly a man who didn't want a child and walked away. It involved 3 living women looking for their birth father - all related, but we didn't know how. Every DNA match we found that was close did not know who her father was it seemed.
I joined wikitree to add my family tree, I saw a note from a women asking for help as she'd just found out her birth father wasn't her birth father and I said sure, I've done this for 30 years.. Little did I know where it would lead me, how frustrating, rewarding, yet heart breaking at the same time.
She had a very close DNA match that was showing first cousins, however this person also didn't know who her birth father was as she had been put up for adoption.
We also had a 2nd cousin from each side, so the logical thing is you follow the trees until they match. Which no matter how I worked them they did not match in any way shape or form. These two trees were not coming together in a legal marriage or even Birth Certificate, or article in a paper involving a paternity suit.
Every tree I found online on both sides was inaccurate on which kids belong with which husband/wives, so first job was to research and build accurate trees based on evidence.
In comparing DNA as well - it turns out the "newest" generation I was working with was double cousins through marriage to many of her DNA matches which led us in circle after circle after circle back to her mother. Which created yet another roadblock
A few months back a 3rd very close cousin popped up, again not knowing who her birth father was.
I had narrowed down the great grandfathers on both sides for the eldest, however one side only had one 2nd cousin and the rest were all 4th cousin or greater. Each one of these great grandfathers had at least 7 children and each of his siblings had at least 4 kids and most with multiple marriages - trying to even get skeleton trees up was complicated with the marriages..
This then became more complicated when it turned out that the "grandfather" had married his step sister at the same time he had 2 children with this other women which through yet another wrench into the DNA loop and ensuring the research was clean..
As of an hour ago I solved the last of the riddle that I've worked on since September and it feels both amazing yet also faintly heartbreaking, and wishing I could be there for all 3 of them as they give them hugs as they sort out their emotions and find their way through the answer they sought for so long.
I learned many important lessons:
1. Your DNA needs to be on every site - Ancestry, gedmatch, family tree, my heritage. We found different clues on each site
2. Keep your focus within 2nd cousins if you can - looking further likely will give you false red herrings
3. Remember they were humans too, and look for coincidences such as a birthdate of a child doesn't quite match within the confines of the marriage - by even 8 weeks.
4. Have patience, walk away for a bit and come back to it with a clear head
5. Newspapers, Newspapers, Newspapers - they are your friends for the 1900's.. They will contains "accusations" when it was an unwed girl, they will contain paternity suits, they will contain the lives of people in small towns about the anniversary party that will give you a marriage date
6. Get a 2nd opinion - I finally contacted the DNA detectives who put me in touch with a professional who rechecked my work for me and agreed what i was looking for was not on paper.
7. Pay attention to the anticipated CM count in the DNA and build that "estimated relationship" and unknown links.
8. Work a tree backwards from the common ancestors down and the common 'cousins up'
9. Look at addresses in common - in this case the The final nail in the "riddle" so to speak was that the father worked 4 minutes from where her mother lived at the time. I found this on the WWII Draft Cards..
10. Never give up, the answers are out there,
I now sit here today reuniting the 3 women with the answers they sought for so many years, all from different generations in this family, one from each generation, including the eldests father (who has passed away) who turns out never knew who his real birth father was, just like his own daughter.
We also have to remember when working with people that what they may find at the end of their search may not be a happy story, or someone they want in their life.. and prepare them for that, and ensure they are braced for the reality of it.. and that we ourselves, as much as we can get emotionally attached to them.. ensure that we work on an unbiased basis in approaching the living and helping "buffer" the messages of unknown family members, and that in the end the living are always more important then those who have passed.
And thus in the end it is their choice to put the real family tree to the world that matches the DNA or that which is paper - it is not my right to do that - for the impact of those secrets is not mine to tell and that is why I was trusted with it....
The profoundly ‘atomic’ character of the universe is visible in everyday experience, in raindrops and grains of sand, in the hosts of the living, and the multitude of stars; even in the ashes of the dead - Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
lesson learned - humans will be humans and I always enjoy getting things back where they belong, like the scrapbook I bought at the auction that I found it's family after 3 months of research, the box of memorbilia that I'm trying to get back to where it belongs from the family in Finland
It is the humanity of this world that drives it, and being able to give 3 women who were all related, this kind of closure is a way to pay it forward and change the world in a way that is rare..
Thank you for the space to debrief.. truly appreciated..
