How do I form the "HELLO,I'M THE SKELETON IN YOUR CLOSET" club, for unwanted adopted matches.

+6 votes
268 views
I wonder why someone would submit DNA looking for matches knowing that there are skeletons in the closet, and when they show up as a close match (first cousin), they do not respond, as if there was no contact. I can't figure it out, can you?

"Didn't want me then, don't want me now", would make a good T-shirt!

Also see, "Trying to find birth mother (Elsie) Ruth Brooks (Davis).

And: looking for help with new project compiling Brooks in Conecuh and surrounding Alabama counties.
asked in WikiTree Help by James Brooks G2G1 (1.4k points)
edited by James Brooks
Another possibility is that they did testing because they were interested in health or ethnicity, and didn't even realize that they could end up finding or being found by close relatives.
Good point, except that the manager of the match is his mother who would have been around back then, the match may not know, but, I'd bet she does.
Hmm.  Who knows, then.  When my mother first did DNA testing to try to find her father, there was a 1st cousin-level match.  She tried to contact them, and they disappeared from the site entirely.  No idea what was up there.  We've since found other close matches through other sites and have made contact with one so far.  So don't give up!
Thanks, it's a good idea. The interesting part is their extensive family tree lays the whole family open, and I found the match himself, what I find interesting is the limb I grew off of has been sawn off.
I like the way you put it, James, "the limb sawed off". Maybe though it's more like a limb never grown.
Yes, in 1949 she was sent off to visit an aunt somewhere else, and "return respectable again", and none the wiser at home.
So much ado over out-of-wedlock births. Both my grandmas were unwed mothers! The explanation for why people shy away from unwanted truths is ... just that they've inherited something of the attitude of their own parents. And it's not a genetic inheritance, they're copying what they've seen and heard, to put it very simply. It has nothing to do with you, it has to do with how they've grown up. Take their behavior as a clue.

I have a wee little inkling as to how you might feel. As daughter of adoptees, I feel afraid of being rejected by my matches. Snort. How ridiculous.
I feel the same, but their rejection is their loss. If you stick your head in the sand, all you get is a mouth full of sand, and when you look up again the situation is still there.

2 Answers

+5 votes
 
Best answer
If it's a cousin, they may not have known. In any case, wanting to know is very different from desiring contact.

My mother's father abandoned her as a child. We knew she had two half-sisters, and although I was in contact with their mother at one point, she refused to tell me where they were. They didn't know my mother existed.

Then, I did a DNA test and now I find I have 5 aunts, not two, and a slew of cousins I'm trying to sort out. I have contact with two of the aunts and many of the cousins, but not all of the aunts are ready for this explosion of family. at least one aunt is having issues dealing with the fact that her mother lied by omission for all of her life.

Also, I contacted one of the cousins I matched and never got a response, then a couple of months later she made contact with me. You don't really know why there was no response.Give it time and perhaps try again in a few months.

I do wish you luck with your quest to connect with your birth family.
answered by Deb Durham G2G6 Pilot (780k points)
selected by David Selman
Thank you, the manager of the match is his mother, and their family tree seems to be missing the "limb" that would be my mother or my father unless "?". So  maybe you're right,  how inconvenient of me to show up, 69 years later,
Yeah, people get wrapped up in their own emotions over this scenario. There's also the ugly "whaddya want, money?" response which I personally find very offensive. When a newfound relative comes tumbling out of the tree, people sometimes close ranks and go into denial.

"Whaddya want, money?" presumes that the relative is just in it for material gain, a nasty and unfounded belief.

"How DARE you say that my daddy ever loved anyone other than my mama!" I firmly believe the only person any of us ever really know is ourselves, and most people don't even accomplish that. No, you cannot be sure that you know every single thing your parents, uncles and aunts, or other relatives ever did and who they did it with.

"No one in MY family would ever give up a child" again, is breathtakingly presumptuous and naive about the reality of society.

I also suspect that some people power-trip on getting to be the "secret-keeper". You see this a lot in older relatives who might know the identity of someone important or the whens and the hows, but when asked suddenly clam up and act like the world would crack in two and lions would lie down with the lambs if they told.

It's astonishing how someone can wholeheartedly believe they are a direct descendant of Pocahontas' niece Princess Coriander Pussywillow of the Cherokees, based on a Geocities website written in Comic Sans citing no primary sources, but when presented with 1800 shared cMs they become unable to comprehend what's going on and declare that it must be some mistake.
Thank you for your thoughts, I agree with your "whaddya want" theory, but (behold the underlying truth), all I want to do is thank them for dumping me into an orphanage that gave out "Trophy babies" to the head's "brothers of the funny handshakes", and to adoptive mothers who shouldn't be allowed to adopt boar hogs.

Sorry if I sound a bit sharp, but if they were U.S. Steel, I wouldn't want anything from them.

James -- lol! I'm not adopted but was born out of wedlock, so I very much sympathize with you here. When I hear "whaddya want, money?" I get offended on a personal level. My biological father's family are no one special and live in a small, dying Southern town. Like I'm gonna contact them on Gedmatch and ask Cousin Bubba Joe for rent money? I live in New York City, if I wanted money, I could do it the good ol' fashion way and find some rich old coot to marry me and leave it all to me (praying to St. Anna Nicole, patron saint of golddiggers, as we speak).

Amen sister, I was adopted by a successful business couple. I was told I was adopted when I was six, when I asked at 8 why they got me, my weak father said I was her whipping boy, translation she could take her anger out on me instead of him, and he paid well for it, I became a mercenary at a young age.

Thank God for ADHD, ar leastvI can thank my birth parents for something, I have thick skin like an Abrams tank, and she just bounced off of me.

I made my own success and that is the ultimate win when suppressing you is their success.
Wow, illegitimate children of the world unite.
We are a force unto ourselves, when you start out unwanted, the only way is up!
0 votes
It looks like you just did. I would love to be a member.

Lynn
answered by Unk Spencer G2G Crew (750 points)
Thank you for your interest, that makes two of us, onward and upward.

Guess i'd better get the t-shirts made!

James

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