NEWS ALERT, SEE BELOW How do I form the "HELLO,I'M THE SKELETON IN YOUR CLOSET" club, for unwanted adopted matches.

Question

I wonder why someone would submit DNA looking for matches knowing that there are skeletons in the closet, and when they show up as a close match (first cousin), they do not respond, as if there was no contact. I can't figure it out, can you?

"Didn't want me then, don't want me now", would make a good T-shirt!

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NEWS ALERT! Found her, and my brother, now I'm the"Skeleton on the Sofa".

Also see, "News Alert, found her,  I  Trying to find birth mother (Elsie) Ruth Brooks (Davis).

And: looking for help with new project compiling Brooks in Conecuh and surrounding Alabama counties.

And, Will a Dna test tell if brothrrs are full ir hakf brothers

Comments

I am 5’5” the daughter of an extramarital affair of both my mother and biological father.

Both married to others. I later learned he was adopted and denied the affair. Then conceded DNA does not lie.

I am grateful for the life I have been given. My children are my greatest treasure. Despite they’ve got a deadbeat dad as well.

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Funny, you sound 6ft 6 to me. Give'm hell, and if they don't appreciate what they've got, it's their loss.

James

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Every single day I’m a ninja and a yogi. It’s all good!

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Kicking a** while contemplating nirvana, what could more rewarding.

James

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Lol thank you. Yes indeed. All while solving my own identity mystery. I find the genealogy interesting.... my biological father may have been a “war child” I’m literally half Irish. Half German. Or so says my dna

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For 69 years I was told flowery stories about who my birth parents were, yea right! DNA testing is the greatest lie detector  ever invented. I started out with my real birth name and now I have built a near 250 year maternal family tree, even though I'm the "skeleton in the closet", and as I have come to find, not the only one, if they don't want to know, because "our little angel wouldn't have done that", I have done quite well all this time without them, so I will continue to do quite well, "thank you, very much".

James

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James Brooks you are a keeper.  xoxoxo!

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Aw shucks m'am (yes I'm a polite well raised southern boy from the bayous) you'll make me blush. Haha

Thank you

Jamees

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I always wonder about those 6'6" Brooks when I hear about them. My paternal Price Grandfather was 6'7". ( My father and uncle were 6'4", aunt was 6'1") I have queried distant cousins and there does not seem to be tall people, previously. Of course, this is not a comfortable question.

There are Brooks by marriage to Aunts and Cousins, all Alabama, Georgia, particularly Conecuh County.

Hearing it just makes me wonder again. My Price lines are dying out. Only 1 Y-DNA tester lives, he will probably never marry and the family around him are ardent DNA test refusers. My Price 4th gen DNA cousins are very few and could just be other Conecuh County links or DNA accidents.

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Hello L.G., yes I'm 6 ft6, my maternal half brother is 6ft6, my mother was 6ft. Our grandfather was we over 6ft. The Brooks' I have been able to find came from Virginia, Tenn, and were given land grants in Georgia for service in the Revolutionary War. Not long after they moved to Conecuh county, Evergreen snd Owassa.

They seem to have married into the Cobb's, the Blackburn's and the uh hah the Brooks', also Harris, Weldon and Beck.

If you need any more help, I'll be happy to do what I can.

James

Answer 1

If it's a cousin, they may not have known. In any case, wanting to know is very different from desiring contact.

My mother's father abandoned her as a child. We knew she had two half-sisters, and although I was in contact with their mother at one point, she refused to tell me where they were. They didn't know my mother existed.

Then, I did a DNA test and now I find I have 5 aunts, not two, and a slew of cousins I'm trying to sort out. I have contact with two of the aunts and many of the cousins, but not all of the aunts are ready for this explosion of family. at least one aunt is having issues dealing with the fact that her mother lied by omission for all of her life.

Also, I contacted one of the cousins I matched and never got a response, then a couple of months later she made contact with me. You don't really know why there was no response.Give it time and perhaps try again in a few months.

I do wish you luck with your quest to connect with your birth family.

Comments

Thank you, the manager of the match is his mother, and their family tree seems to be missing the "limb" that would be my mother or my father unless "?". So  maybe you're right,  how inconvenient of me to show up, 69 years later,

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Yeah, people get wrapped up in their own emotions over this scenario. There's also the ugly "whaddya want, money?" response which I personally find very offensive. When a newfound relative comes tumbling out of the tree, people sometimes close ranks and go into denial.

"Whaddya want, money?" presumes that the relative is just in it for material gain, a nasty and unfounded belief.

"How DARE you say that my daddy ever loved anyone other than my mama!" I firmly believe the only person any of us ever really know is ourselves, and most people don't even accomplish that. No, you cannot be sure that you know every single thing your parents, uncles and aunts, or other relatives ever did and who they did it with.

"No one in MY family would ever give up a child" again, is breathtakingly presumptuous and naive about the reality of society.

I also suspect that some people power-trip on getting to be the "secret-keeper". You see this a lot in older relatives who might know the identity of someone important or the whens and the hows, but when asked suddenly clam up and act like the world would crack in two and lions would lie down with the lambs if they told.

It's astonishing how someone can wholeheartedly believe they are a direct descendant of Pocahontas' niece Princess Coriander Pussywillow of the Cherokees, based on a Geocities website written in Comic Sans citing no primary sources, but when presented with 1800 shared cMs they become unable to comprehend what's going on and declare that it must be some mistake.

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Thank you for your thoughts, I agree with your "whaddya want" theory, but (behold the underlying truth), all I want to do is thank them for dumping me into an orphanage that gave out "Trophy babies" to the head's "brothers of the funny handshakes", and to adoptive mothers who shouldn't be allowed to adopt boar hogs.

Sorry if I sound a bit sharp, but if they were U.S. Steel, I wouldn't want anything from them.

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James -- lol! I'm not adopted but was born out of wedlock, so I very much sympathize with you here. When I hear "whaddya want, money?" I get offended on a personal level. My biological father's family are no one special and live in a small, dying Southern town. Like I'm gonna contact them on Gedmatch and ask Cousin Bubba Joe for rent money? I live in New York City, if I wanted money, I could do it the good ol' fashion way and find some rich old coot to marry me and leave it all to me (praying to St. Anna Nicole, patron saint of golddiggers, as we speak).

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Amen sister, I was adopted by a successful business couple. I was told I was adopted when I was six, when I asked at 8 why they got me, my weak father said I was her whipping boy, translation she could take her anger out on me instead of him, and he paid well for it, I became a mercenary at a young age.

Thank God for ADHD, ar leastvI can thank my birth parents for something, I have thick skin like an Abrams tank, and she just bounced off of me.

I made my own success and that is the ultimate win when suppressing you is their success.

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Wow, illegitimate children of the world unite.

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We are a force unto ourselves, when you start out unwanted, the only way is up!

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Amen!

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Thank you Suzanne, I find myself going back to past questions because I always seem to find new information or ways to interpret the things I have found. It's nice to see a question from almost 2 years ago get a response.

Maybe I should get some t-shirts made.

James

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You're welcome and thank you, too, James.

I think the t-shirts would be an excellent idea.

Have a blessed day.

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Yes, might have to put "Hello I'm" on the front and "Didn't Want" on the back, it's a lot of writing for one side.

I'm 6ft 6, so maybe I can Get them both on the front, we'll see.

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Good luck, James!

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And all the best to you.

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Thank you, James. To you as well. :)

Answer 2

It looks like you just did. I would love to be a member.

Lynn

Comments

Thank you for your interest, that makes two of us, onward and upward.

Guess i'd better get the t-shirts made!

James

Answer 3

I am oen of the Adoption Angels here on WT.  My experience is that folks from the older generations (60 and up) are less likely to respond.  While the younger the folks are the more often they respond.  I believe what you are dealing with is a generational issue.  I am 65 so not everyone in their 60s or over will be closed to helping you but from the people I have helped that is what I see most often.  

One of things I often tell the adoptees I work with is do not judge your birth parents.  We have no idea why they did what they did.  And often what we find is that they tried to do the best they could in what at that time in their life seemed like an impossible situation.  Looking back is never the same as making decisions in the moment.  

From what you have shared it seems like your birth came during a time when out of wedlock births were not accepted and even dealt with as something to hide.  

Remember you are the innocent in all of this.  You made none of the decisions.  You have an opportunity to become the person you want to be and whatever else your parents did they gave you life.  

You do not know the circumstances of the conception and you really need to be prepared for everything from a full love to a criminal rape.  Sometimes adoptees are not prepared for the darker side of conception.  

Many pregnant women where children some younger than 18 and really decisions were being made by their parents.  

Sometimes the father was married and wanted nothing to do with the mother once she was pregnant.  Sometimes he was never told.  Sometimes the conception was wanted and then some tragedy struck where the father was killed or died and the mother felt she could not afford to raise the child.  

There are so many different scenarios and you really do not know which one yours was.  

When you approach bio families I always tell the adoptees to be positive and say I wanted to thank my bio parents for giving me life.  If, I hope this is true, and in my experience it has been for the vast majority of adoptees I have worked with, that you have had a good life and are not blaming them but just wanted to have some idea of where you came from, who they were and are if they are still alive.

Often families who don't know about your existence and that is for more likely than them knowing, think you could be running some kind of scam.  Wealthy families often think you are after money.  So you need to understand that your first contact is not generally going to be met with open arms but rather some version of wariness to all out rejection.  

This is not a rejection of you, because they don't know you. It is a rejection of the idea of you because they may really not know you existed.  And are just sure Mom or Dad would have told them.  Family dynamics are never easy.  

If you get rebuffed wait a few weeks and try again.  Just make sure you do so in a positive way.  Offer to share the proof.  Explain what you are trying to achieve.  

One adoptee I helped had a sister who would not return her letters or phone calls.  But in that letter she gave my contact info in case the sister wanted to talk to a neutral 3rd party who helped figure out the bio line.  I got a call from the sister and explained the DNA.  I was actually enroute to meet with the adoptee at a library in my home state.  The sister asked if she could join us and I knew the adoptee would be over joyed and said yes.  She walked in took one look at her sister and said you look like Mom! Ran over and hugged her and they are now corresponding and enjoying holidays together.  So a rejection can turn around.   Conversely I have another adoptee whose mother got a court order stopping any contact of the adoptee to any family until the mother dies.  So very sad.

It is their loss not to get to know you.  It is not a reflection of who you are or your worth.  You are the innocent one in all scenarios and in some no one is really guilty.  Most birth parents really want the best for the child they are giving up legal rights to.  

Hope that helps.

(Sorry for the typos.  I just fixed them I think)

Comments

Hello Laura, I agree with you completely.

YES BUT (Your Evaluation is Superb, Behold the Underlying Truth), the family you get, birth, or adopted is a complete roll of the dice, unfortunately you, as the child don't get to roll them, so if they come up 7 or 11, you win. Snake eyes or craps, you lose. In my case, I lost both rolls.

If you read all of my comments and replies, you will see, I don't hold my birth parents for becoming a "trophy baby",in a who you know, and how many funny handshakes you know. There is a reason why God doesn't allow some people to have children of there own, knowing the right people is a way around that.

I don't hold it against my birth parents, or parent, but as I have done my research, from my Dna matches, I have found that although I am  a "Skeleton in the closet", in the public family tree, I am not the only one.

Also in my responses in this, I am lucky enough to be someone who accepts what I'm dealt, and makes the best hand I can out of it.

I have just contacted someone whom I believe to be my half brother. His response was what I expected, polite, the aroma of "not my mom", in the air, and that he had gotten the same thing from his father's side. He is now getting a Dna test, if we are if we are, that would be nice. If we are and he doesn't want any more contact, well, the reason I took this Dna test in the first place was to match up my birth name with a family, done.

I admire the work the angels do, and I have signed up as an angel, unfortunately, I am dealing with a family illness for the time being, I have let the group know, and will be back as soon as possible.

James

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James I understand dealing with family illness.  Sending prayers your way.

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Your prayers are much appreciated. Hope To be back with the group soon.

James

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James,  you made out better than the first baby my aunt had, out of wedlock.  My grandfather came in the house and talked to his wife.  He stalked upstairs and came down with a body
and went outdoors and buried it in the rose garden where several of his own still born children were.  This child had been heard crying so everyone knew it was alive when it was born.    The parents married later and had three other children.  My grandfather was fairly miserable to much of his family.  My mother received much of it after my father died and had to move us out.

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Hello Beulah, I can't begin to imagine what they went through.  But I have lived by 2 rules, "that which does not kill us makes ys stronger" and "Improvise, Adapt and Overcome" it does not always work out, but you can"'t let them win.

Thank you

James

Answer 4

Hi James,

This is a rather complex situation. My I invite you to join the Google Group: DNAadoption? We are a free, volunteer group that specializes in giving support and guidance to adoptees and others with unknown or misattributed parentage. You will find some kindred spirits and some excellent advice to guide you through interpreting your data and making first contact. If you visit www.DNAadoption.org you will find a link to join the group. Make sure you mention that you are an adoptee in your request to join.

Pam Tabor

Moderator

DNAadoption Google Group

Comments

Thank you for your suggestions, once my brother gets his results, we'll look into your group.We already know we are brothers from family tree information.

I'll answer both of your's with one if that's ok.

James

Answer 5

Hi James,

May I recommend that you join the DNAadoption Google Group? We are a free, volunteer group that specializes in providing support and guidance to adoptees and others with unknown or misattributed parentage. You will find some kindred spirits and guidance on interpreting your DNA results and making first contact with matches. If you go to DNAadoption.org you will find a link to request to join the group. Make sure that you include the fact that you are an adoptee in your reason to join.

Pam Tabor

Moderator

DNAadoption Google Group

Pam Tabor

Comments

Hello Pam, sorry for the delay in answering,  I seem to be up to my ears in responses to several questions I have asked.

As I said to your Sandra, once my brother gets his results, we will look into your group.

James

Answer 6

I am so sorry so many people have bad experiences locating family after an adoption.   As for the failure to respond,  I have had a very low rate of responses to requests for information about  DNA matches.   It seems strange that folks pay for the test, post it and then don't try to explore matcbes.  Also it is quite possible that later children or family members may not know about an adoption or even a prior marriage.   I got a snarky message a long time ago at Ancestry telling me to disconnect my aunt as a spouse of her father.  She said he was never married before and had no prior children.   Knowing the story I had heard from my family and having found the marriage record, I ignored the request.   My cousin had passed and I was determined he would no longer be denied by his father's family.   A couple of years later I got a message from another of his relatives wanting information.   They had been talking and someone remembered the little crippled boy at a family event in the distant past.   I hope that you are successful in your quest for answers.  I am sure that at least some members of your birth family would love to know you... even if others can't face the truth yet.

Comments

Hello Cherry, I know exactly how you feel. The manager of my first cousin's profile did not response for almost a year. In finding my mother and brother brother through her postings of extensive family tree information, (my mother was her husband's only sister), my new found brother told my first cousin, who knew nothing about me until my brother told him. He was thrilled and at the same time upset with his mother for keeping it from him.

All you can do is politely push forward and keep digging.

Thank you again

James

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Many times people who take DNA tests have no idea that they have family out there they don't know about.  They do it for curiosity, to determine as the commercials hype their ancient origins.  So when someone they are related to contacts them they often are not expecting to be contacted.  They never did the test to find relatives.  So they have no desire to respond.  It is sadly one of the realities of contacting DNA relatives.  

But from time to time we do find those who realize that we may have relatives we need to recognize are part of our family no matter what the happen stance of their birth was.  They are the innocents and should be treated with dignity and care.  Unfortunately not everyone gets that.  It is for some an education process.

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Hello  Laura,  as I mentioned in another reply it's nice to see people going back to older questions to interact . I do it quite a bit myself because  a lot of the questions are still important, but get lost in the back of the lists.

You are right, one correction though, it wasn't my cousin's wife who was the manager, it was his daughter, and she wss afraid of scammers because of who my cousin is.

As it turns out, I am not the only "Skeleton in the closet", who knew.

My new challenge is to find my father, and I have found a number of 3rd and 4th cousin matches who don't match my maternal matches, so here I go again.

James

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Hi James I am not adopted but members of my family both past and present were/are.  I volunteer as an adoption angel and as such see the gamut of responses or lack of response.  It is frustrating when you get no response but sometimes it takes more than one contact to get a response.   

Many times the person being contacted knows nothing about a child having been adopted so that leads to immediate suspicions.   So I suggest lead with the DNA and a desire to understand the match.  Often people finding out about siblings is upsetting because they were never told.  Also hopefully you had a good adopting family and that is important for the bio family to know.  Avoid adding to any negative emotions so stick to positive interactions.   They produce more results.

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Thanks Laura, I agree with you, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

I was an adoption angel but had to withdraw due to a family illness. I look forward to getting involved again at some time.

Interestingly my maternal half younger brother, (12 years younger), and I share the same first name, mine adopted, although my birth mother gave me her maiden last name on my original birth certificate.

There was a reason why my adopted mother didn't or couldn't have children, some people shouldn't be allowed around children. Because of who they were and who they knew I was what myself and two other boys their lawyer adopted, because they knew all the funny handshakes, we were what we called ourselves "Trophy Babies". Just so they could say  "Look what a wonderful thing we did".

I would rather have been left in a phone booth. So, when I started looking for my mother and or father, I had to decide whether it was out if wanting to have a real family or to thank them for nothing.

As it turns out my brother, who we have become very close, had a terrible father who made his life miserable so we have much to commiserate about.

Sorry to bend your ear so much, but (Behold the Underlying Truth), if you go looking, don't be upset if you don't find Nirvana.

James