People die, they don't pass away!

Question

A popular euphemism found in many American obituaries is the statement that someone has "passed away."  The death of a loved one is a sad time, and perhaps the pain is slightly reduced if we acknowledge it partly, without facing it directly.  Uncle George is not dead, he has just passed away.

But "passed away" is a euphemism, "good words" intended to help us avoid something painful by not facing the truth head on.  But the truth is, George died.  George is dead.

Genealogy records births and deaths.  It doesn't record passings away.  Most of the people we write about have been dead long enough that we don't have an emotional connection to them.  I don't feel the pain of loss to discover that my great-great-grandfather died in 1842.  I wasn't alive then.

Yet when you create a profile on WikiTree and the computer generates the first mock biography to try to get you started, it used the phrase "passed away."  Why?  And people who are new to WikiTree see this and imagine this is "the WikiTree way."  "On WikiTree we can't deal with the emotional pain of recognizing the death of ancestors we never knew who died 500 years ago!"  

Stop it!  We're grown-ups.  We can face the truth.  People die!

And I see G2G has pulled up for reference a similar post I wrote 4 years ago.  Obviously the subject itself has not yet "passed away"!

Comments

I hadn't realized it was "internationally accepted", but it's still a euphemism.  Queen Victoria loved euphemisms -- 'horses sweat.  Men perspire.  Women "glow."'   Heaven help us if we admit it was all the same thing -- sweat!

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Charles Emerson Winchester said (on M.A.S.H.), “First of all, I don’t sweat, I perspire. And secondly, I don’t perspire.”

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I agree Jack. The computer generated biography needs changing to 'died'. My pre 1500 ancestors all died. Not a single one of them passed away. Those from the southern states of the USA or those of a certain religious persuasion can change it to "passed away" or "passed on" or whatever euphemism they choose, if they so desire. The majority who prefer "died" can then speed up their data inputting.

And whilst on the subject, if a precise birth or death date is given in the profile why can't this be shown in the auto generated blurb, rather than "in xxxx"? "He died on 5 Jun 1861" is so much more accurate than "He passed away in 1861"

David

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I suggested a change in the autobio generator recently. I absolutely agree with you, David. Maybe we oughta to make this topic a new G2G thread (tech) and see if we can’t get this change.

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Jack, sorry I must be a bit softer than you, but when researching my ancestors and find them burying children who didn't make double figures, and a couple not making even two years,  I DO FEEL  emotionally involved and feel sad and a little pain. Loosing children is an almost unspeakable pain, so I dwell on the biography for a minute or so, and write "passed on". You can write what you like on the profiles you manage.

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PS to my comment above: With all the other issues WikiTree has to deal with especially getting members to source their profiles and begin to write biography narratives, to me this would be the least thing we should worry about. Same with making duplicate profiles and then the process of merging.

In reality it only takes two seconds to change it to "died" if that is your preference. I agree with Richard R's comment. above. For me, I will always put "passed away" as long as I am doing my own family members and ancestors. 

"So many issues, so little time". Glad they prioritize what needs to be done first and foremost. 

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1. Someone said the "majority" wanted to use the term "died" rather than the phrase "passed away." Do they? Has WikiTree polled its members about this particular issue?

2. It was implied the term "passed away" is a recent "American" euphemism and others have associated it primarily with Christian religion or with the American south. The phrase has been used for about 600 years and, therefore, pre-dates most "American" settlement. Whether it was originally a religious phrase which was assimilated into the general lexicon, I do not know.

3. I'm fine with either the term "died" or the phrase "passed away" and do not judge anyone's intellect or emotional maturity or the quality of their work based on which they use.

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And while where at it, let's do away with the asinine double space automatically placed after the period just before the sentence beginning "He/she passed away..."

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I tend to use the two terms interchangeably. Now let's talk about something more serious: Regardless vs. irregardless and the meaningless use of actually, virtually, and literally. ;-)

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I prefer to use passed away xxx

Answer 1

Old genealogists never die...

...they just return to their roots.

...they just lose their census.

...they just haunt the archives.

...they just hang out at the cemetery permanently.

Comments

.....

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I love this answer!

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I like this answer xxx

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Erik, Thanks for bringing this "conversation" into perspective!

I especially like  "they just hang out at the cemetery permanently".

And Lisa,   thanks for designating  "Best Answer"......

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My Grandparents did several years ago, Grandfather in 2010, Grandmother in 2012.

I tell people that they reside at Mount Rose Cemetery in York, PA.

When the Rev. Billy Graham was alive. He would say:

"Don't believe what the papers say about me being dead. I have not died, My address has changed."

Answer 2

I would agree with you if WikiTree biographies were legal documents. They are not. The data fields record date and place of death. Hopefully, there will be a death certificate as a source. However, if people wish to use the term "passed away" in the biography it makes not one iota of difference. If it bothers someone, then they can use died in any biographies they write and leave others to use the phrasing they prefer. It is not hurting genealogy, WikiTree, or anyone else. There are far more important things to worry about "fixing" than how one chooses to describe death. 

Comments

Thank you Deb!

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Oddly enough, I originally felt somewhat the same about this issue as Jack. Not that it bothered me overly much either way, but I've come to view it as a non-issue. It's a biography and we are the authors. Not every author writes in the same fashion or uses the same terms. It's okay to be different. 

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Yup. More concerned about coherent biographies with complete sentences, paragraphs with logical organization.

Answer 3

To me using passed away or passed on seems more polite, respectful than saying died. I guess it's what people are more comfortable with or raised saying. I was raised using passed away.

Answer 4

I agree with Deb. It does not matter in the biography what term is used. "Passed away" is the Southern term for sure and I never gave it a thought until I read this post. So, guess my ancestors will be "dead" in the  upper stats and the more gentle has "Passed Away" or even "Deceased" in the biography!! To each his own.

Answer 5

It's the beginning that gets to me. "John was born in 1550. He is the son of ........." The son reads to me as the only son. If there was more than 1 then he was "a son of". Was, not is. Still if it gets us all writing something before we pass on to another profile then it cannot be a bad thing.

Comments

I could never make my mind up whether it should be "is" or "was", so whenever I create a new profile I change the format from "John was born in 1550. He is the son of ........." to "John, son of ........., was born in 1550."

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I usually have it as "full-name was born on date, in place, the x son/daughter of", unless I'm on an off day when I don't use the which daughter/son of they are.  (So sometimes it might read as "the fourth child, only daughter, of name and name".)

For me it's not a big deal to add those few words.

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Parental-filial relations don't "pass away" when parents or children die. If John Doe was the son of Jim Doe before he died, what is he after his death?

Answer 6

I myself strongly dislike 'passed away', but I guess others have the opposite feeling. Might there ever be an option to set up your own preferred boilerplate text to use when you create profiles? I've been trying to think of ways that could go wrong, but it's not as if we can't all put our own preferred text in now anyway - it would just be a small labour saver.

Answer 7

I just wondered about the German terms for "died" and "passed away". And I realised that I hate the German term for "passed away". In English I don't mind it tbh.

Answer 8

my mother's euphemisms for death often confused me. She'd say of someone with dementia, "We lost..." and I would think they LOST him, like between the Walmart parking lot and the store. Drove me nuts. A week later I'd say "when did he die?" and she'd say "I called you and told you!" and the penny would finally drop. But that taught me to say DIE so no one is confused about the matter. Someone hard of hearing might think "he went to meet his baker." Interesting, but not exactly correct.

Comments

A little humor here is sorely needed. Your post made me smile. Thank-you. Otherwise totally useless conversation. To each his own, I say.

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My mother was sometimes cryptic as well, it was maddening at times

Answer 9

I agree that the automatically generated text should say died. Because we are an international site, but primarily communicate in English, we should strive for clarity in our English communication and not use euphemisms, colloquialisms, regionalism etc. We also be careful not to be Christian-centric either. There are many different belief systems and the system generated text should use clear language that can work for people.

People can rephrase the biography any way they prefer on profiles they manage/create. I would not change this wording in a profile managed by anyone else as this is a style issue.

Answer 10

Sorry, I have to laugh. My occupation is "writer". One of my hobbies is as our family genealogist.  There are a few synonyms for the act of dieing or "dead". For instance, Croaked, or demise, "kicked the bucket", deceased, perished, expired, and the list goes on.  It seems to me, that the person writing the biography whether it is for one of their direct line ancestors, or for someone not connected to them, that they should be able to choose how they write the bio.  There are a lot of labels already in wikitree now in use. Determining whether or not the word "died" should be the only word used in a bio of a deceased person, I don't agree with. Writing styles of individuals make EACH profile, its' own. Specific to that person, and how the writer "felt" it should be written.  To get annoyed over the use of the term "passed away" is ones' personal preference of reaction. My own dad is now 88yrs old, and he prefers to speak of his demise as in "when he kicks the bucket", which may or may not end up on his stone, depending on his wishes. lol

The term "passed away" may as Dorothy has stated, been connected with "religious" beliefs, but there are probably millions of people on this planet that although don't follow the confines of specific religions, would also agree, that they don't "die", their Spirit/Soul passes onward, and journeys, released from the confines of the human body. So for anyone to determine that only 1 word fits in the biography, is to forget that the Biography should be based upon their Lives, their living, and should include their death, in whatever manner the writer of the Biography deems appropriate to that person.

A matter of to each his own.  One other thought, if Edit-bot placed it, just as if anyone else placed it, wordings in the bio are changable, not like it can't be changed again unless the profiles are locked or ppp.

just my thoughts on this.  btw Jack, you would have a horrible fit over most of my ancestors Bios, because some do say "died" but most use terms like "deceased", passed away, "left this earth", "slipped away to final resting" and all kinds of other euphamisms. ( & I greatly agree with Deb D!)

Comments

Arora, that's fine for recent profiles that are likely to have had attention by only one person.  But this is a collaborative site, and the farther back one goes, the more people collaborate on creating the biography for the profile.  

Also, as a writer, I'm sure you know that synonyms and euphemisms are not necessarily the same.  A synonym is simply an alternate word for the same thing, while a euphemism is intended to disguise, hide, or somehow make more pleasant, a reality.  Therefore there is an element of dishonesty in a euphemism that is not necessarily present in a synonym.

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A euphemism is not "dishonest", like some sordid lie. And there are times when they are called for, and simply best - especially with regards to death. Each to their own, with respect.

Answer 11

I usually change it to "died" but it depends on the circumstances. If someone "died peacefully in his sleep," I might leave it at "passed away."

And, Pip, I don't perspire either. 

Comments

I don't either. I just go through the day looking like I just got out of the shower. 

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HAHA! That's a good way to put i!

Answer 12

A small effort toward clarity -- my original post was not intended primarily to call out individuals who say "pass away" in biographies they are writing (although I really don't like the phrase wherever it appears) -- but to call out WikiTree for using the phrase in its computer generated trial biographies that first appear when a profile is created, especially by Gedcom.

While individual freedom is great, I don't think it's appropriate for WikiTree itself to be employing a euphemism for death.  It not only makes WikiTree look bad, but it may give people the false impression that for some reason WikiTree WANTS people to say "passed away" rather than "died."

Comments

I put this list together some while ago after reading one of these threads:

Reasons why people do not like to use the word "died":

◾ It is considered insensitive and cold, and therefore impolite

◾ It reminds us bluntly of our own mortality

Then, too, Wikipedia gives a long list of less polite synonyms for death, including "croak", "count worms", and the classic from Monty Pythons "Dead parrot" sketch, "joined the choir invisible". And, of course, there are the past-tense verbs like "rests in peace" (also in the Python sketch).

.

Things to consider:

◾ While death and dying are a natural part of life, they make many people feel uncomfortable or anxious.

◾ Other kinds of language may be easier to use and less anxiety-provoking.

Which is why some people say:

◾ She passed on

◾ She passed away

◾ She left us

◾ She's no longer with us

◾ We lost him

◾ Yet others may say "fell asleep on", or "has fallen asleep" (after all, for Christians, this comes straight from the Bible)

Those who are Christians may use terms such as :

◾ Went Home to Jesus

◾ Was Called Home

◾ Rests in the Arms of the Lord

◾ Has gone Home to Glory

.

Then we have some common medical euphemisms, which include:

◾ Not doing very well

◾ Declining

◾ Failing to respond

◾ Might want to consider comfort care

◾ Seriously ill

◾ Isn't going to make it

◾ Treatment is futile

◾ Expired

.

One other thing, which I brought up in another such thread as this is: yes, we are genealogists.  Yes, we face the facts, and we report the facts.

BUT, in so doing, there is no reason at all that we cannot consider the thoughts and feelings of our READERS.  Many of those will be the very people who find it difficult to use the words "death" and/or "dying".

It hurts nothing, and nobody, at all to be considerate of the feelings of others.

It hurts nothing, and nobody, if Wikitree autogenerates "passed away" instead of "died".  It's also fewer letters for the "died" advocates to type, than for those who prefer "kicked the bucket", or "passed away".

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(And, Pip, I haven't forgotten what I said.  One day, some profile I manage will have some euphemism that will make people laugh .. or at least smile.)

[edited to change or to of]

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Wait a moment, I don't think you can say that at all. Since we can't all be pleased I'm fine with the autotext staying as is until we can have personalized defaults, but the feelings of people who don't like 'passed away' are just as real as the feelings of those who don't like 'died'. We don't all see 'passed away' as gentle or polite. To me - at least in my present phase of grief - it is more painful to hear than 'died', whether because it is just a (to me) unusual expression, or because it reminds me that I don't believe my loved ones do live on.

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Human experience is inextricably bound to human sentiment. All "facts" are subject to interpretation by persons with vastly different world views. While there may be a place for "uniform style," uniformity discourages freedom of expression and diversity. I would rather read a biography that evokes feelings and breathes life into history.

As for the argument favoring insistence on "facts," consider this: historical records are often missing, contradictory and illegible. Without any living witnesses, history is, in fact, only "interpretation" of the available data.

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Back at https://www.wikitree.com/g2g/494315/can-we-change-the-default-phrase-passed-away-to-died , the first response by a Team member was an indication of support for changing the default language that is entered when a profile is created without any text. It seems, however, that a cascade of objections from diehard defenders of euphemism (pun intended) defeated that initiative.

Answer 13

On the way home from a patriotic festival today I stopped at a cemetery that was on my list. Two markers had the inscription "went home" and " gone back home." If one of these had been my ancestor I may have borrowed the phrase for the biography, because that would have been historically correct; i.e., that is how the survivors conceptualized their deaths. Death is not just a hard, cold fact of life. More often than not, it is great loss to the survivors, and language used to convey that sentiment is entirely appropriate.

Answer 14

Comments

Personally, having lost a sibling to suicide I find it much more sensitive to use the phrase "passed away". It is a personal preference and given that Wikitree is subjective, then we should all have the freedom of choice to decide whether or not we choose to utilise the term "died" or "passed away". 

Whilst Wikitree is a collaborative effort to present the facts, each individual's determination of said facts is subjective. The saying goes that "perception is reality". Therefore, what is significant to me may be insignificant to you, and vice versa. I think that we each have as much right as the other to determine how we prefer to write the biography sections in profiles.

Returning to your original comments, respectfully, each and every one of us agrees to be respectful of one another in joining Wikitree. Personally, I find it to be disrespectful when one attempts to impose their thoughts and beliefs on to another as a means to diminish that person's thoughts, feelings or values. We are all aware that people die, yet as it has been mentioned earlier, not all of us hold the belief that death is final. For some of us, the idea of feeling connected to our ancestors is what gives us a sense of belonging, hence we use terms like "passed away" to infer that our loved ones are still with us. Either way, "dead", "died", "passed away", "passed on", it really doesn't matter. What does matter is that we are all treated equally and fairly on Wikitree. As much as you reserve your right to write about your ancestors as having "died", everyone else has just as much right as you to determine how we choose to conceptualise and write about our ancestors. 

So long as we can each respect one another's choices then there shouldn't be any problem 

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So sorry for your loss. I totally agree with your positions

Answer 15

Edit for point-of-view/clarity. I lost a very close family member unexpectedly last week, and this subject is a bit raw right now.

I don't necessarily agree with your sentiments. Passed away may be a long-used euphemism, but what is wrong with trying to alleviate a family's pain or adhere to their religious beliefs? In fact, some people might be very offended at any number of ways we describe the cessation of life on this plane. Personally, my beliefs lead me to prefer "transitioned". That said, there are almost as many ways to describe the death of the body, as there are ways to die. One of the ones I always found bizarre I heard in a hospital when my father was dying, it may have seemed extra strange because I was only 15 at the time. I asked about a gentleman who we'd seen in the ICU waiting room every day and the nurse told me he'd "expired." Frankly, I was mad as hell; milk expires, a driver's license expires people don't freaking expire!  In any case, that was what I thought at 15.

Back to your point being that the WikiTree program inserting "passed away" is offensive to you because it's incorrect, or rather inaccurate, seems like a waste of time and breath. If you don't like it, change it! No harm, no foul, if it's a profile you manage. And in any case, how many people pay much attention to those first few words anyway? 

Do you have any idea how many more pressing issues there are to be rectified before your displeasure of that particular verbiage is addressed? You might want to check some recent posts.

"Stop it!  We're grown-ups"  Could easily apply to your rant/post as equally as the issue you describe. 

Per "The Phrase Finder": What's the origin of the phrase 'Pass away'?

It was coined at a time and place, that is, the 15th century in England, when most people would have believed that the departing of the soul of a dead person was a literal physical event. Indeed, 'passing away' didn't mean dying as it does now.

Comments

I guess you would be grateful that the software doesn't default to a phrase like "joined his Lord and Savior in Heaven" (one of the euphemisms that I saw in the obituaries in today's local newspapers).

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Also, I would very much like to understand why someone would vote down an answer that is every bit as thoughtful as those before it? It was not offensive, nor did it discredit or dishonor any person or belief.

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There seem to be a few members who are in the habit of downvoting questions and comments about this topic. I experienced sudden upticks in my "downvotes received" total shortly after posting answers in earlier threads on this subject.

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Thank you for the clarification Ellen. It's saddens me that some people are so thoughtless, rude, or downright mean on this forum sometimes. I recently told another member that the luster on my "beloved" WikiTree has diminished somewhat due to recent member behavior. What is the purpose of a "down vote" anyway, and why do we need it? We can disagree and have discourse like "grown-ups" without the nastiness. I understand some people won't like some of my responses or their tone, just as there are things I don't care for, but there's no need for ugliness. As stated above, we all have the choice to walk away or change those things we don't like.

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Those up and down votes are a feature of the forum software that is used on this website. I don't believe it's possible to disable or customize that feature.

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Very interesting, Ellen.  I doubt many people know that.  From time to time I see people suggesting we should not have down votes.

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I believe it may be the case that disabling down votes is not trivial but is also not impossible. Depending on how comfortable the WikiTree developers are with modifying the underlying Question2Answer code, and how high a priority it is, there seem to be a few suggested solutions on https://www.question2answer.org/qa/12655/how-to-disable-down-votes-only-allow-up-votes?.

Answer 16

Let people talk about death however they want.  Write your profiles with died if you like.  Don't stress how other people talk about it.  I often will say "My husband passed"  If you think that  mean I don't know he's really dead then you know nothing about grief.

Answer 17

I went to graduate school in Demography, research which focuses on birth, death, and migration of populations. I have no issue with using the word "died" with ancestors.

I live in the Southern US. It is commonplace to use the word "passed", as in "My father passed in August." This sometimes leads to confusion. For example, my friend, a teacher, was waiting to hear whether her sister had passed the Bar Exam. The day her sister did pass the Bar Exam, the school's Office Administrator got on the classroom intercom and told my friend, "Your sister passed!" (Meaning she had passed the exam.) Everyone started to express condolences to my friend. She had to explain to them that her sister had not died, but that she had passed the bar exam.

It's just a Southern expression. It has nothing to do with religion.