Need advice re helping an NPE relative

Question

Through DNA, I recently found I have a first cousin, once removed (my mom's first cousin), who was born of an affair my great-uncle had back in the 1950s.  Four of my uncle's grandchildren have tested their DNA and she is at least a 1st-2nd cousin with each of them.  My uncle and aunt were good friends with her family about the time she was conceived.  It is almost certain that he is her father but she really wants to know for certain.  My uncle has two children still living and she wants to ask them to test their DNA.  However, I was very close to them when I was growing up and while one would probably be shocked but okay, the other would probably take it very hard.  With the new relative's permission, I asked my only living uncle, who is still very close to them, if he thought she should contact them.  He vehemently said no, it would cause a lot of trouble.

My feeling is that she has as much right to know the truth as they do to not know it.  We have been writing pretty steadily since I first wrote asking why we were 1st-2nd cousins with absolutely no overlap in our trees.  She doesn't want to hurt anyone but she also just wants the peace of knowing for sure.  I want to help her but I need help deciding where the line is ethically.  I would love to hear from people who have already dealt with this issue, either helping or first hand. Thanks.

Answer 1

As the "NPE relative" who a lot of people would rather not know about, my perspective may be different from some.

I think I would approach the cousin who you feel would take it best, speak to them about his/her newfound (probable) half-sister with empathy and gentleness, and ask them to test. If they say no, respect their decision.

I so often feel that the way a lot of people approach unforeseen NPE cousins is totally backwards from how it ought to be. Far too often they're seen as some interloper who's here to upset everyone and dash the mental image you had of your older relative. When in reality, the only person who is responsible for any hurt feelings -- is that older relative. The only person who betrayed or hurt anyone was your uncle. This cousin did nothing wrong by being born.

Comments

I think the main issue is that they both deeply respected their father as a religious man.  It would destroy their image of him.  Or they knew he cheated on their mother but had no idea a sibling was born.  There is just no way to know.

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Marcie, I understand that and I addressed that in my post.  The fact remains that the NPE cousin is innocent of any wrongdoing, and her existence is not some insult to your cousins.

If this demolishes your cousins' view of their father, the only person at fault for that is their father. He is the one who did the deed.

Answer 2

She could ask them to test without revealing that it is concerning an NPE.  But, actually, why does she want them to test at all? She already has the results of *four* of the grandchildren.  

I would not tell them.  It's (possibly, only possibly) giving her peace, while at the same time shattering the peace of two people, possibly/probaby more (their spouses, their children, your uncle if he is still living, your aunt ditto, his living sibling, and so on).  And once done, knowledge like that can never be taken back or forgotten.  The peace of the many should outweigh the peace of one.

Comments

I already told her that with the results she already has, it's clear that he is her father.  Before I wrote her, she had already been in contact with two of the grandchildren.  One of them lied to her (saying that they weren't related to two people that I know for a fact are their first cousins), and the other stopped writing back.  My guess is that the family already knows but may be keeping it from my uncle's older daughters.  My uncle and aunt died long ago and the daughters are in their 70s.